Saturday, January 24, 2009

I dont know....

Need not expect answers for all your questions..

Yes, I really don’t know what to say or how to interpret the recent incident in my house and with my father… well, there are so many things which cannot be explained scientifically in this world. The world is too vast to be studied and generalized into one single definition. With my scientific attitude and approach to everything that happens in our daily life, I try to analyze the situations and come to a conclusion normally which I often don’t share with anyone. And there are so many things that has passed in front of my own eyes and I have failed to understand and interpret in a rational way. Yes of course that is the greatest limitation of human beings. Every one looks and perceives the experiences of life in their own way according to their background or influences through which they might have gone. It is something like personally experiencing the great depths of Mariana trench or to see the coelacanth of African seas. No one can say that it is the ultimate truth or universal truth or eternal truth. Life is like an blind people who explain morphology of an elephant with their sense of touch and hold of no vision experience. So with my honest confession that I don’t know many things in this unimaginably huge mega planet, countless organisms in their life span must have undergone traumatic experiences of agony and inexplicable experience of intoxicating ecstasy…with passing of time measured in ages or eras or epochs or even periods of geological time table? Mysterious stories have been revealed time and again. Life, Death, Rebirth, god, heaven, hell and religion have become a mad obsession and to that extent they are sure of what they are thinking and doing in the name of God and his unquestionable and of course unbelievable power as a creator, preserver and destroyer…..
I am sorry.. I wanted to tell you something which is unbelievable and in-explainable incident. I just discussed the above matter to show the way I think. That is all. I am neither proving anything right nor disproving any thing wrong. My philosophy is simple. If I don’t have an explanation for a particular situation or an incident, it does not mean that I should accept the fact which I know hundred percent is not true. With this mind set as a background here is my experience.

Just two days back my wife took my parents to a doctor, who is not just a doctor but was my student long ago but now my good friend. He is pious, deeply religious, a real karma yogi, simple, contented and has an unshakable faith in his religion unlike many god fearing hypocrites in our society. My parents are quite old mother 80 and father 85 years. Mother is not keeping a good health for the past so many years and Father of course healthy but had little fever for the past three days. Of course it is self imposed in a way I suppose. Because he wont heed to doctors advise. He doesn’t eat according to his age. Too much of spicy and oily food. He had dehydration accompanied by severe weakness.

Mother was equally bad with her high glucose in blood and chronic cardiac problem. So both were taken to the clinic in an auto and my brothers son was asked to follow them to help to fetch the auto while coming back from the clinic. I stayed back and was checking the mail when I received a call from the Doctor. The doctor told me to go to his clinic immediately and take my father to the cardiac center. I was frightened and panicked and took the house key locked the door and rushed directly to the clinic. As the clinic was by the side of a chat shop there were too many people. So inside there were patients and outside the clinic customers who throng the chat center with young and old. My mother was sitting in a chair in the waiting lounge and there was a look of worried and anxious expression on her face. I went directly in doctors cabin. He even was very much distressed and there was fear on his face. He hurriedly told me to take my father to jayadeva institute of cardiac center as he had already had a heart attack .I was not knowing what to do. Immediately I thought of calling my brothers for help and to bring a taxi. But then I found for my dismay that I had left my mobile at home only when I left the house. Seeing my plight the doctor gave his mobile to use.. even he had forgotten in that critical time that his mobile was useless without our contact numbers. I snatched it but realized that it was useless, but came out and stood helplessly… hundreds of people were moving…. cars and scooters were having a race on that congested road. I realized that man becomes so lonely at such times in this vast city. nobody cares who you are and what you are? we tend to loose the presence of mind and forget to think practically. Only one number I could remember was neither my mobile nor my wifes mobile, but about my sisters whose number is as my wifes number except for the last digit. So I asked my wife to give her number. She was calm and composed. She her number. With the last digit changed I phoned my sister and took my brothers number and contacted him. He was busy with his international film exhibition. I got the city cabs number and requested him to send the taxi at once. Again you feel helpless to give the proper address and and the land mark for drivers sake. with great difficulty I did tell him about the nearest land mark. Doctor came out and told at least to arrange for a ambulance from nearby hospital. why didn’t that idea come to me? I don’t know. I told the doctor the taxi was already on the way. By then there were lot of patients waiting outside. Luckily the people were very cooperative as they have understood the gravity of the situation. In front of my collapsed father in his chamber in the chamber he started attending the waiting patients. By the time when the taxi came precious half an hour was wasted. with great difficulty we managed to got my fathers almost motionless body into the taxi and my wife took her seat by his side. his head on her lap. Getting my mother into the cab was another problem as she was unable to walk. There was a traffic jam because of mothers walking pace, which was worse than a snail. Drivers behind their steering cursed us heartily. Every one was so tremendously busy that they did not even have the patience to respond to the emergency situation in a human way. That was not the point. The realization was that we were not equipped to live to this kind of situation in city like this. You feel absolutely lonely and helpless.

It was decided to go home first and grab the mobile phone as the house was nearby and almost on the way to the hospital to which my father is being taken to. Moreover it was not advisable to take my ailing mother to the hospital in that condition of hers. So leaving my mother at home with Prithvi and my two wheeler at home we started towards the hospital. As it was evening the traffic pace was disgustingly slow and with my heart pounding I wished and prayed (whom I dont know) that we should reach as early as possible. Even the idea of my father breathing his last in the cab itself was not ruled out from my mind. I was desperate and with peculiar physical posture (whistling, yogic breathing, bending the back and sometimes talking aloud to myself) I was controlling and consoling myself that everything would be alright as soon as we reach the hospital. I remembered my own experience just six months back. But the road seemed endless and the hospital unreachable. I was sitting in the front seat beside the driver who was a cooperative young man. My wife with my father was at the rear seat and my father did answer whenever she called him. So thank god he is conscious… and that was a good sign. The road junctions and Circles with signal lights were countless and really that pushed me to the limits of my patience.

We reached the hospital and found that the main entrance was closed due to some repair work, but luckily my younger brother was already there waiting for us. He had come directly from his office work and had found out that the entrance was shifted to back door which was an emergency exit in normal situations. The taxi was taken there and the security was helpful and cooperative. He himself brought the stretcher to take my father. My wife did the formalities near the reception counter of the evening O.P.D Section. We moved our father to the duty doctor for initial check up on the stretcher. Immediately the doctors checked his B.P. and sent to take out the E.C.G. I did not go in for the tests as my brother and wife were enough and I would have become a nuisance. I was just roaming in the corridor like a caged animal in Mysore zoo…I was restless, thinking about the night stay in the hospital. I telephoned our school Administrator and the Secretary and told them about the situation and about my probable absence the next day. They were too human to be cruel. Again I phoned my another brother who was stuck in the film exhibition and found out that he was on the way to the hospital. Very soon he joined me. I could see stretcher carrying my father accompanied by my brother and my wife once or twice in front of us. Blood was taken for various tests. I was just calculating about the cost of the visit and also about the unavoidable Angiograph or Angioplasty or even heart surgery. I consoled myself thinking that as my father was a senior citizen and a farmer hailing from a rural area, would definitely get concession. I remembered also that he had talked about the special government scheme called 'Yashaswini' This recollection gave a great relief. Now I thought my father is out of danger as he is already in the hands of doctors. And rest of the things would be taken care of....About money I thought somehow we can and we should adjust and hoped that should not be a great burden.

My brother who was busy in film exhibition had to go to Hampi that night itself. He came and joined me. We were consoling one another and my brother who was with my father for the tests came out and told that there was nothing serious and the doctors were waiting for the Blood Report. And his general condition was normal except for his high B.P. which read 90/170. That was only the worrying factor. We went inside and met the doctor. During inquiry he asked me whether he had this type of loosing the consciousness anytime previously. I said 'No' but remembered to reply that my father had a low B.P. which is very normal. Because about 30 years back he was advised to go for a pace maker as his B.P, was low. Then the doctor said that we could take him home as nothing was wrong and everything was normal. He asked us to bring him the next day for Eco test or scanning. This was a shocking but pleasant surprise. A few minutes before I was debating in my mind that should I say yes? if doctors needs an angioplasty or for that matter Surgery. Because according to my limited knowledge that doctors may not recommend for surgery as my father is already above 8o years. I was really dumbstruck. I once again clarified about taking my father back home. But second time also the reply of the doctor was affirmative

To my surprise my father now looked very very normal as if nothing had happened. We brought him home. He had weakness because of fever which he suffered for two to three days and back ache due for unknown reasons.
Next day my father was taken to the same hospital for Scanning. The scanning report was normal as was expected by the doctors. We were all relieved greatly.

My duty was not yet over. Because there were many questions in mind that desperately needed to be answered. First and foremost was that was my student doctor wrong in his diagnosis? Because he had told very clearly that my father had an attack for which my wife was also a witness. But I just cannot simply accept that my student would go wrong in his diagnosis. It is not that I am blind with unshakable faith in my student. In fact I had very strong point in not accepting that his diagnosis would go so bad to the extent of failing to differentiate between exhaustion and a cardiac arrest? In my own case twice he had diagnosed about my inevitable attacks. He was absolutely right both the times. It is his clear cut diagnosis which made me to survive twice and escape miraculously from the jaws of death and today to tell you about this to you people. Secondly how come the cardiologists denied that he had any myocardial infraction or arrest or attack or whatever it is. Or the doubt was may be the doctors looking at his age might have thought better not to proceed with any surgical means of treatment as there wont be hopes of recovery. Or it may not be worth taking risk. But nothing of that sort. The doctors were indeed impressed by my fathers physical fitness. Thirdly doctors must have deliberately kept quiet about the heart attack which might have been massive and no hopes for a long time.

Anyway I decided to keep quiet till I meet my doctor personally. My wife did try to tell something that doctor was very nervous and frightened when he saw Anna collapsed in his chamber. I pretended as if I did not hear and busy with something else.
Third day after the incident, with all the reports from the Cardiac center I went to meet my doctor in his clinic to confront him and also to take advise for further treatment for my parents. My wife was with me.
As soon as I entered his chamber he asked my wife
"what does he say about this? what is his interpretation?"
"what? Interpretation of what?' I was surprised at his unexpected question.
"She didn’t tell you what happened here the other day when your father was here?" wondered the doctor.
"No… really I don’t know. what is it Srinivas"
"it was a miracle… I have seen for the first time in my life.. so far I had only heard about the Atma leaving the body…..but I saw it in your fathers case.. what do say for this? you my dear atheist"
I said " I don’t know anything…..So what do you expect me to say"
Then he explained everything..
" as soon as your father came inside and sat in the chair, he collapsed… his breathing movement stopped.. his eyeballs went up…..
"body went cold completely" my wife interrupted.
The doctor nodded and continued " yes no pulse, no heart beat… cold body… we both of us pressed his chest to bring back the heart beat…but in vain… I was also little puzzled… it was a clear case of death according to me…and for several minutes the body was motionless, absolutely.. then I phoned you to take him to Jayadeva hospital…Normally in any clinical condition this type of body condition may prolong as long as say 3 to minutes….or at the most in rare cases it may be say about.... 5 to 6 minutes.....and...not more than that…imagine.. me phoning you… by the time you came, it must have been at least 3 to 5 minutes and then you entered and saw your fathers motionless body for yourself and then you went out to arrange for the taxi… I gave my mobile to you to contact your people…. "
"But I didn’t notice he was lifeless… o.k. the body was motionless of course." I murmured….
"Of course life has ebbed out…. I mean.. that is what I mean….you ask your wife…if you want…I know you don’t believe that…but for several minutes the body was as rigid as rock and as cold as a snake…and suddenly I could see the life coming back to the body…. and….there was a little jerk…no… the whole body was tossed up a little from the chair and he started breathing.. It is unbelievable and really miracle… yes.. it is only miracle… one can say.. so What do you say…how do you analyze this… you have to believe…" the doctor continued…
"Yes…. that is true… one should see to believe it,.... he had such high fever when he was getting into the auto, that his body was almost on fire....and........and here in the clinic his body was completely cold... just unbelievable..." my wife interrupted..
" I don’t know Srinivas….what to say.. You mean my father was dead for few minutes and then the life came back to his body…?" I quizzed.
"Yes. the Atma had left the body and then re-entered it" the doctor was adamant.
"I don’t know what to say or even what to think…it is quite a riddle….isn't it?" I said meekly…
"Clinically speaking it is not only unusual but impossible… that is what I am telling you sir"
"So"….??? I insisted…
"Nothing….from my side….you explain me the principle behind it" answered the doctor.

"O.K. Srinivas… Really I don’t know the answer… there are hundreds of possibilities…It is quite intriguing. Even as a common man for me also there should have been some unusual display of cardiac irregularity at least functionally….in any of the test they conducted in the institute laboratory… some kind of disturbance must have been traced. But doctors say nothing unusual and everything was perfect… which even I cannot understand. And Srinivas….. I can never suspect your diagnosis…you know…Why I say like this. you have saved my life twice…So you cant be wrong in your assessment….yet I feel something is wrong somewhere…. because every event has its own explanation… But…. Right now I may not have a suitable explanation of logical or for that matter… scientific interpretation… but I do believe one unanswered question cannot become a perfect and correct answer for a illogical or unnatural or rare or strange and inexplicable incident or phenomenon….. I came to you to ask you, from now on how to look after my parents… day be fore's experience had created a lot of embarrassing moments here in your clinic…. so much of inconvenience to the patients… thank god.. the people were really and exemplary good… That should not be repeated in future" I lectured.

"You are a nut….You never change… yes.. how can you change your belief? you feel it as an insult to accept what is what…is it below your dignity? to accept there is some supernatural power….which you can call by any name or whatever you want….binding us and controlling us…why don’t you accept it?"

"Yon know my answer for this long back… so there is no shift in that line of thinking. Moreover it is not the question of prestige to accept or discard… If I am convinced….well… I will have no hesitation in accepting the reality…and I have never claimed that I am right and you are wrong… with the same poles apart attitude and ideology… our relationship has survived for a long time…So don’t worry, the moment I realize the truth.. I may happily say yes”

After completing the narration of the incident I am wondering first of all what prompted me to share this experience with you. Was this experience of mine was so unavoidable or spontaneous? Or is it worth of an expression at all? If I have done it spontaneously then the question arises am I shaken or my uncompromising ideology and faith are at stake? I don’t know just I wanted to share this first hand experience in which I was also a participant and to which to some extent a witness….But that doesn’t change my convictions…It is just an analysis how a man behaves in unexpected critical conditions like the one where my fathers life was involved.. It is not that doctors words are important or for that matter true, but it is my character which was put to test…my attachment with my father, love for him? duty as a son towards him? a selfish man who thinks about the recently saved money? or as an outsider of Albert Camou  who could see everything as an outsider with an attitude of an unattached self? I think I wanted to analyze my own self in that hour of crisis… So I have tried to tell impartially and dispassionately. That is all. Miracle here is a just word of no significance. But one who really is occupied with the blind faith, for them this becomes and exciting and unbelievable divine incident. This exactly I am little worried and confused about my expression. In any way I should not be an iota of the cause for the already accumulated nonsensical dilemmas and dogmas in the psyche of the humans. So I am writing this prologue after my narration........

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

this is really nonsense.

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